Dealing with BPD isn’t easy
Stress and Borderline Personality Disorder don’t mix well at all. When I’m stressed, I exhibit what Doc Randy has described as “dissociative symptoms marked by extreme paranoia, suspicion, and a disconnection from reality.” For example, my mind can trick me into believing that everyone hates me and wants to see me fail. When that happens, it’s almost impossible for me to snap out of it.
Since the pandemic began, many people have said that being in lockdown or quarantine has left them anxious and depressed. On that note, let me tell you that the average person’s worst mental health day in the time of COVID-19 is a normal day for someone with BPD. That’s how difficult it is to live with this disorder. But you know what? I honestly believe having BPD prepared me to deal with our current situation. Nasanay na kasi ako mag-function even if I feel like everything is falling apart. Now that it actually is, keri ko pa rin kumilos.
What’s the usual treatment for this type of disorder?
No. There’s no cure for BPD. The only thing you can do is learn to manage the symptoms. In the beginning, that was really hard for me. I struggled to control my emotions and express them in a healthy way. But thanks to medication, talk therapy, and the support of my relatives (most of whom weren’t supportive at first, but they came around eventually), I’m better at managing my symptoms now.

How has it affected your personal relationships?
People with borderline personality disorder have severe abandonment issues. We’re always afraid of being abandoned by everyone we care about, so we do everything in our power to prevent that. Unfortunately, our efforts sometimes cause our worst fear to come true. That’s how I lost one of my closest friends.
He was a Filipino-British guy who came to the Philippines in 2015 to study acting. We clicked right away, not just because of our shared dream to become working actors, but also because I was one of the few Filipinos who got his unique sense of humor. When I attempted suicide for the fourth time, he was among those who came to my rescue. We became like brothers. Because he had no family in Manila (his Filipino relatives are based in Cebu), my mother cared for him like he was her own. We even traveled together, something I rarely get to do with friends.
Our friendship ended in 2017, after I accused him of not caring about me or my mental health. In my defense, I was having a really bad episode at the time, and I called him because I needed him to talk me down like he always used to do. Unfortunately, when I called him, he was hanging out with a common friend of ours who was flying out to Los Angeles for work in a few days.
He tried to explain to me that he just wanted to spend some time with this guy before he left, but I wasn’t having it. I was furious that he was putting someone else before me and I told him so. He took offense at that and cut me off. We haven’t spoken since.
Hindsight is 20/20
Now, that I’m more stable emotionally and mentally, I understand where he was coming from and I sincerely regret lashing out at him. I’ve tried to apologize but he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. I can’t say that I blame him.
Difficult, intense, and unstable relationships are a hallmark of BPD. My relationships with my new besties are as intense as what I had with him. I obsess about how long they take to reply to a Facebook PM, or if they don’t use emojis when they text me, because I’m so afraid of losing them. Thankfully, the three of us always manage to patch things up whenever we fight. I like to think that’s because I’ve learned how to be a better friend since.
How has Borderline Personality Disorder affected your work?
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